The Former President

“I have opinions of my own –strong opinions– but I don’t always agree with them.” -George Bush

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?” George W Bush, Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

“I don’t feel like I’ve got all that much too important to say on the kind of big national issues.” George W Bush, 20/20 ABC, 15th September 2000

“I understand small business growth. I was one.” George W Bush, New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

“It’s no exaggeration to say the undecideds could go one way or another.”At a campaign rally in Troy, New York, 21st October 1988“

Black Friday Shopping

I have never been one to go out early on Black Friday and engage myself in fighting over crazy sale prices, however this year I gave it a shot.  I woke up before the crack of dawn to go to Walmart to get my daughter a Power Wheels BarbieJjeep for only $88. Wow what a great deal right? Those things are like  300 bucks normally, I had to try. Any way I get to the store, oh at 5:30 am to find out that they had no more left, but that I could get it online.  So I go home, I get online to find out that they are selling the really tiny Barbie Jeep for$88, not the Jammin Jeep.  Ps they were sold out online as well. I also find out that Walmart was advertising to open at 5 am but really was opened much earlier.  I was livid.  I will never go shopping on Black Friday again. I will pay the extra money.

Love

How do you  feel  about love? I have written a poem to descibe my feeling towards love,  they are not good. Love is a powerful emotion. It causes so many to do stupid irrational things.   It shoulD be considered the biggest public annoyance.  It affects everyone at some point or another and it  has a unbreakable cycle. Whatever, heres my poem.

My love song

 You tell me that you are in love, but how can that be,

for love is just emotion and simple fantasy.

I am not the sweet girl you think me to be,

For I am complex and torment resides in me.

Blissful beginnings yield happy endings, is how it may appear,

But it can only end in a mist of sweltering despair.

So take a closer look, but only if you dare

For we can have a famous love affair

 I have been down this road once before,

Or perhaps it was a few times more,

It is in my best interest that I get to the core

because this warning letter is becoming a bore.

 For to love me causes pain,

and all that have  will tell you the same.

My poetic soul will never be tamed 

And my love is untrue despite my honest claim

 I leave you now, but please understand

I do not write my words in the sand

In fact I do display them across my hand

And if you listen you will prove to be a wiser man

Flip Flop Etiquette

Now that flip-flop season is over I can discuss , with great irritation, about those that flip and flop. It is not necessary, I have worn them since i was a toddler and never have I flipped or flopped. My three-year daughter doesn’t flop. Let me just tell those who have no good common sense, its annoying to hear you walk. Flip-flop flip-flop flip-flop, STOP it. Curl your toes, the flip-flop will follow your foot.

Knee Deep

A Guest blog  by my boyfriend, a plumber (sort of).

Topic what you put in your toilet? And why you shouldn’t! 

My name is Curtis and I have a public annoyance.  People need to think twice about what they flush down their toilets. I firmly believe that people have the mix conception that anything made of a paper like material, can be flushed. Wrong! You women who flush their pads down, stop! Those mothers who constantly keep trying to flush diapers down, quit it. They don’t breakdown and just get stuck in the pipe. Parents, keep a really close eye on your kids. Cell phones, barbies, GI-Joes, car keys, and fluffy, the stuffed animal will just cause you head aches and make me money, every time. Missing your dvd remote? I’ve found it. Missing your glasses? I’ve found those too. You have no idea how many broken sewer pipes, I’ve fixed, that could have been avoided if  people would just think about what they are flushing down the toilet, before doing it or watched little Johnny or Susy a little closer. Even baby wipes and hemroids pads, don’t decompose. They just sit in the pipe and clog them up. I realize that it seems easier to just toss them into the toilet, cause you’re sitting on it when using them, but again, most houses that i go in, have a trash can right there next to the toilet. I’m hitting your knee, right there. So I hope anyone who reads this walks away just a little bit more aware and I won’t have to come to their house and find something that shouldn’t belong. 

Duh?

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

Farting in the Classroom (part 2)

My second edition goes way back to elementary school and discusses smelly farts on the train with no one to blame. Hey that rhymed. i know and thank you.

Any way here goes my stories…

The Fart Heard Round the Gym
The smallest little girl in my second grade class, while sitting on the gym floor, let one slip. She was randomly isolated any way so when it happened we all knew where to look. The sound echoed in the almost silent empty gym. This poor little girl was sitting there a brilliant red color. She retained the nickname stinky the rest of the year. Kids can be so cruel…. when you fart in class

Now let talk about smelly farts…

The Stink Container
I was headed to school on the River line one wonderful morning when a unknown assailant let a licky dog fart” go. It was a cold morning so the train was heated. It was during rush hour so the train was packed. The smell lingered and lingered with no one to make angry glares at. Accusing eyes searching over you to see if you could have been the one.

It is my opinion that you should have to take the rap for your smelly or loud farts in public. People want to make fun of you or be angry with you. We should not be denied that privilege. The privilege of not being the one who did it.

People in Walmart

So have you ever gone into Wal-mart and seen someone who looks like they belong in a Wal-mart? Of course you have, we all have (and bet some or us are people of Wal-Mart)! apparently there is a whole website devoted to that topic. My question is who has that kind of time? What person or persons are going around snapping pictures of people in Wal-mart? Don’t get me wrong the web site is hilarious, but where did it come from. Then it also makes me kind of afraid. I do not dress up to go to Wal-Mart, what if I end up on this web-site.(I check often of course.) I mean if I am sick or something i just run in with my sweats on , hair all a mess (sometimes when I am not sick also). Any way visit the site http://www.peopleofwalmart.com, and lets compile our own characteristics of people of Wal-Mart. Also tell me about your experiences at seeing people that belong at Wal-Mart or being a being one.

Navigating a Traffic Circle

Up the street from my house they just put a new traffic circle and I am amazed at how many people have forgotten how to use one. It is real simple, If you are on the circle you have the right away, if you are merging on to the circle you yeild. In fact there are even yeild signs for people merging. It seems that the definition of yeild is confusing some people. Yeild means to slow down and check if someone is comimg, if there is someone coming then you stop until it is clear. Also if you on the circle please dont dtop st every merge. You are holding up traffic. This is not rocket science it is simple traffic laws. Get out your old dusty DMV book and reread the section on traffic circle. You would think this would not have to be said.

Farting in the Classroom (part 1)

I have several stories about farting in the classroom and one about farting on the train (on the way to school). Some are just humorous and others rather irritating ( in a funny kinda way).We will start first with the irritating story and then do a comedic one.

Story 1:    The Phantom Farter

It was a monday, I was sitting in my classical backgrounds class minding my business when i heard it. A sound that was very familiar, the sound of rapid fire farting! You know what i am talking about that blop   blop  blop  blopblopblop blop sound. i immediately began to search for the culprit, obviously without being seen by the professor or assumed to be The Farter. As i glanced around i saw nothing, or no red-faced-embarrased-trying-to-hide classmate. No proud about their nasty little toot peer, just serious straight forward dedicated to learning people. I couldn’t even find another smirking face.  I said to myself, “I  could not have been the only immature person that wants   to make a thing out of this.” So i looked around again, nothing, no one!!!! “Whats with these people?,” I thought, “Do they not enjoy a good laugh in class?” I began to doubt that i even heard a fart, so as gross as this sounds i tried to smell if their was a fart.  no smell hmm was there a fart, maybe it could have been something else? NO! it was fart, I know it and i will catch you Phantom Farter the next time you pass gas in class!  Be warned.

What Kind of person farts in class and get away with it? No one! Why should this person be so lucky? It literally drove me nuts all class trying to figure out who did it.  My second story is about a Professor farting in class. Yay! Every students comedic dream!

Story 2:     Professor Poof

It was an average day  in Calculus class, kids sleeping on their desk, the professor going over equations in the same old monotone voiced, when something unexpected happened. The professor CUT THE CHEESE!!!! Not once but four times with his back turned  to us. (ok hold on my daughter want to watch gummy bears be right back) I could not contain myself, neither could anyone else, especially Wade, our designated class clown. What makes this story so funny is that the professor didn’t acknowledge his infraction. She just kept on class. No one learned anything that day between avoiding eye contact with each other and snickering behind his back. It was the funniest class ever, and the only thing i remember from it.

Both these stories talk about people farting and not acknowledging. Why? Are you so afraid that someone knows you fart, we already know. Everyone farts! All I am saying is at least say excuse me! Me I would make fun of myself but I am an interesting breed.
Have you experienced a similar story or been the “farter” in a situation?